I Am Bound
by Lady ElfDragon
Summary: [ONESHOT] Kikyo recalls her past...both in life and in death...in order to discover an explanation for her feelings towards InuYasha. As she reflects on her memories she finds that everything is not always as it seems...


**Well… Hi! **

**Okay, for those who want to know, this is basically Kikyo's thoughts on a lot of things concerning her death and her being amongst the living again and…um…stuff. I really suck at summaries, as you can probably tell. **

**Anyway, read this Oneshot (my first, by the way) and review! Give me ideas! Comments! Corrections:) Anything that you think will help, and please be nice… **

**Disclaimer****: _I do not own anything to do with InuYasha… I can only wish…_ **

.oOo.

_I Am Bound_

.oOo.

I am bound…yet free. I am no longer the person I once was, but I have not changed either. Same…yet different.

I confuse myself sometimes…make that _most_ of the time. Wandering from place to place, caring for those who are ill or hurt… it is all part of my existence now… the existence of a person reborn from death who was slain by one who does not deserve life.

That 'one' being the demon known as Naraku.

I despise him with all my heart, just as I despise the half-breed InuYasha. The flood of anger that surges through me when I think of that half-demon is the only part of me that keeps me from the dark of death. But there is yet another feeling too – one that I have only just discovered.

It is a feeling that I have felt for InuYasha before now…

It cannot be hate, for I know I could never have hated him.

It is not humour, from all the times he made me smile.

It could not be sympathy for him as an outcast, as I was also an outcast.

And I am positive that it is not love. I have felt that before, but never again. Love is a weakness. Naraku used it as a weakness – I hate to admit it, but he was the one that taught me that weakness…if indirectly.

As I wander the path which has begun to fade since my death, I long for the fullness of my life before Naraku turned us against one another. I know I was happy back then…

If InuYasha had never…no. My unhappiness was not caused by him, as much as I would like to place the blame upon his shoulders. It was the fault of the Shikon no Tama – The Jewel of Four Souls.

The foundation of my demise found within a precious stone. And indeed it was precious…to the demons that sought to gain its power.

It was entrusted to my care, and I was soon set upon by despicable demons of all kinds and my village with me. Many deaths occurred just by having to protect the Sacred Jewel.

I despised it, just as I despise InuYasha.

When the half-breed first came for the Shikon Jewel, I recognized him for what he was and pitied him. I had no wish to harm someone that was alone in the world as I was. Both of us were set apart from everyday people – or demons, in InuYasha's case. But whereas I was regarded with high respect, he was considered lower than dirt.

I ordered him to leave, and never return.

But he persisted.

And I admired him for his persistence.

Although InuYasha's suspicion unnerved me, I tried to be firm with my commandments for him to take his leave. I did not harm him, but his suspicion still grew.

He watched me constantly, leaving me only to sleep. I sensed his presence continuously throughout the day, and sometimes late into the night as well – it was as if I was being courted by a man I could not see. All the time, I waited for his attacks.

They hardly ever came.

I became fascinated with his growing fascination in me, nearly forgetting my duties as a Priestess in order to discover more about him. And one day I gathered all the courage I possessed and called him to me.

We talked – well, I talked while he peered at me doubtfully, causing me to smile inside. It was short exchange of words, but it gave me a greater idea of who he was.

He never attacked me again after that day.

Still, we talked. Our conversations were short and vague, usually without a topic or direction and usually with the majority of words spoken by myself. It was calming to think of us as the only two in the world as we sat alone together in the forest. We appointed a period each day that we could meet, and I made sure to be punctual each and every time, and he did also.

But after a few months there was a time when he did not turn up. I began to worry, pacing back and forth in the clearing that we usually greeted each other in. It was then I realized that I felt a lot more for the half-demon than simple curiosity.

InuYasha turned up, eventually, and I nearly collapsed with relief. It turned out he'd been battling a demon seeking the Shikon Jewel. He'd fought it so I would not have to, and so the Shikon no Tama would be safe and untainted.

I thanked him kindly, and saw at the corner of his mouth a hint of a smile – something I had not seen before. A happiness welled up inside me, and I knew it then.

I was falling in love.

And, after a time, I saw that the same was also true for him.

After a short journey on the river and as I was stepping out of the boat that had carried us, I tripped – he caught me as I fell. I smiled my thanks and saw the struggle of emotions in his golden eyes – a struggle that found its winner when he gently set me on my feet then held me in his arms.

We were both content.

Eventually, I decided to act. I told him that if he promised to use the Jewel to become a human and live his life with me, then I would bring it to him. I was sure that using its power this way would purify it, and it would cease its cursed existence.

But then everything went wrong.

I was betrayed. At first I thought it was InuYasha who committed such a crime against me. I was blindly angry at him for the betrayal of my trust and felt a great hatred for his very being. I had no idea that feelings could be manipulated that way – but as I have said, Naraku taught me things that I had never known in my former life.

I was fatally wounded by the first attack of betrayal. As I staggered back into my village I spied the half-breed I had begun to hate so violently. He had the Jewel, and was destroying the village that the people had worked so hard to build. He didn't care what he was doing. Now that he had the Sacred Jewel I supposed nothing mattered to him anymore.

I felt the hatred surge inside me, and using the last of my strength I strung my bow, notched an arrow and released it at his heart.

It hit the mark, but did not kill him as I had intended it to.

The links that love creates are too strong for any one being to break, and sealing him into an eternal slumber only proved the truth.

I could not kill one I had loved.

And in the end, it was Naraku that betrayed us.

I suppose that love is not such a weak emotion– it did give InuYasha a small chance of survival after all. So Naraku has been proven wrong on one account.

Love holds strength.

I died after his hand dropped the Shikon no Tama and he slumped against the tree, lifeless. Before I met with the dark of oblivion, I spoke my last orders to my younger sister. The Jewel must be burned along with my body.

After that I remember nothing, but for the hazy moments where I was a soulless shell created by the demon-hag Urasue and the life I live now after my reawakening. And I only remain among the living because of my deep hatred rekindled inside my heart.

For the only wish of the dead is to live once more…in whatever way possible.

As for this feeling that I have for InuYasha… I realise now, what it must be. Sifting through my memories has reawakened my recognition of it, as well as other things. That girl… my reincarnation… Kagome – the one who InuYasha travels with now – I see her love for the half-breed. I know that Naraku will not be able to defeat them while they share that bond. I am jealous of his feelings for her, although he keeps them within himself as he did for me, long ago.

I am jealous… meaning the feeling cradled with my hatred is the emotion that I enjoyed most before my death.

It is a feeling of love – the love that I harboured for InuYasha long before Naraku destroyed that bond between us.

Bound by hate – free with love.

This is the half-life of my existence.

I am bound…

…but free…

And I love him.

.oOo.

**So…do you likeit? Please tell me you do! And please don't review with pointless anger because you don't agree with what I've done. Usually I dislike Kikyo for harming InuYasha and stuff, but I also feel sorry for her (my friends will glare at me for that). I think that's how this story came into being… **

**Oh! And if you like InuYasha, please feel free to check out my other fic – it's called To Imbue A Soul. I also have a Lord Of The Rings fanfic posted too – it's full of laughs and stuff. So you can look at those if you would like. **

**Anyway, please send me your thoughts in a review! And be nice! **

**Thanks for reading! **

**Víra :)**


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